How blessed my life truly is.
My girls are truly amazing blessings in my life. After 3 years of aggressive fertility treatments, I was finally blessed with Tara. She's my In-Vitro miracle. I found out I was pregnant with her from my husband. I was working at the time and after the first few "failures", it just made more sense to have the Dr. office call him at work with the news rather than myself at work where I would breakdown in tears of despair each month there was a failure. He would always break the news to me in the privacy our home when I returned from work each month. With Tara though, I knew it was a successful procedure before he had the chance to give me the news. You see, when I went through my fertility roller coaster, I had no relationship with God. I knew "maybe" he was there but never knew for sure and certainly did not have a relationship with him. Through that part of my life, I just figured if He did exist, I hated Him since He denied me the ability to have what I wanted most...a baby in my arms. I also at times didn't believe in Him at all. I was totally alone in the battle to conceive. My husband was oblivious to the amount of pain I endured each month. Finally, at the end of my ride, I became suicidal. I had told my husband that I couldn't do the fertility thing anymore, that I wanted to just adopt. I inwardly feared that one more failure would lead me to the end of my life which I had planned. No one even knew I had plummeted that far down. Not even Ron. He convinced me to try "one more time". He said to me "I don't want to get 10 years down the road and wonder..If we had only tried one more time". We had to refinance our house to pay for the In-Vitro as our funds had run out. I had gone through the ritual of injections, the eggs were harvested, and 4 very good embryo's (little humans) were implanted into my uterus. I had to wait 2 weeks before we would get the positive or negative results. Shortly after the implantation, I was driving home from work, and I, for the first time in my life, began to pray to God. I didn't even know how, so I just began to speak out loud while I drove home. I said: "God, I'm so scared of what will happen if this fails. I just can't do it alone any more. If it is your will for me to have a child, I will be so happy. If I don't become pregnant, then I will know that you have some other plan for my life. God, please help me if you are there. I can't do this alone anymore. I need you." I didn't even say Amen. But God was there. For the first time in my life, God touched me in way that changed me forever. He lifted from my body years of suffocating pain and I was able to breath lightly for the first time in 3 years. He lifted the burden that I had bore all on my own and I felt his presence. I knew that he was really there, and he was actually helping me. Then came the week of prior to the blood test that would tell all. "Hell week" I had dubbed it years earlier. I was scheduled for my blood test on Friday. It was Tuesday. I was sitting at my desk at work when suddenly a wave of certainty enveloped my body and I heard a very clear voice in my mind say "It worked". I said "what"? (to myself although I'd heard it clearly). Then one more time "It worked". It was God. I knew. I knew I was pregnant without a doubt for the first time in my life. I immediately called my husband with the news. I was bursting with confidence. I told him it had worked and I was pregnant for sure. There was a lot of hesitation in his voice. He was afraid at that point of what would happen if it was another failure. But Friday rolled around and I happily held out my arm for the telling blood test. The Dr. office again called Ron at work. We didn't talk to each other all day (usually didn't on the blood test day), but when I got home, he was there waiting for me. I opened the door to our house and asked Ron "is this the best day of my life?". He had a blank expression on his face and pushed an old shoebox across the kitchen counter to me. He said "I got you something". I, totally confused, walked over and slowly removed the lid. Inside was a piece of camouflage material. I pulled it out, and it was an infant onesie. I nearly collapsed at the site of it. I held it to my heart and began to cry. Ron wrapped his arms around me. I just remember uttering "thank you God for answering my prayer, thank you God for answering my prayer" over and over. Then, after a terrible pregnancy plagued with severe morning sickness, terrible pain (resulting from endometriosis surgery which was performed months prior to becoming pregnant), Tara was born. My water broke at 3:00 A.M., and she was born at 7:30 p.m. I was totally exhausted when she arrived but completely in awe. I was actually holding my baby, in my arms. She was so beautiful. So quite. So alert until around 11:00 p.m. when she finally slipped off to sleep for the first time in this big new world. I stayed up that whole night and just stared at her. My baby. My gift. I nursed her and we fell into that world with ease and without pain. I held her through so many naps simply because I could. I had no idea how much love I could actually feel, how deep love actually went, until I had this beautiful baby in my arms staring up into my eyes. When Tara was 4 months old, Ron and I began to attend Church for the first time since we were both kids. We did not find much satisfaction in the first church we attended. We found a different one and we are still there today. It is a bible based non-denominational church. Our marriage has had it's moments and we ultimately ended up in marriage counseling through the church we currently attend. It was in counseling that I learned what it meat to "have a relationship with God". Life has never been the same for me since I gave myself to Christ. It was during this time that Ron to came to Christ. Prior to this, he was still an "uncertain" believer. Our marriage still has it's ups and downs, but with God in the frontline, the downs are a little easier to bear.
And then Madeline......
After having Tara, Ron decided that she would be our only child. It greatly saddened me. I so loved being a mother and wanted to have one more baby. I wanted to have a girl. A sister for Tara. I knew we would never be able to go the fertility route because it was so expensive (which is why Ron made his decision. He'd say "we can't afford it"). I silently would say to myself "I don't want to get 10 years down the road and say "If we had only tried once to see if it would work without doctors". Unable to change Ron's mind, I turned to God. I thanked him for Tara every day, and prayed for a sister for my baby. We planned a family vacation. It was all water related. We were going to be going to a huge waterpark and then to an indoor family resort with another large indoor waterpark. It was Saturday, and we were to leave on Friday. Tara got sick. She had an upper respiratory infection. I had decided that if she was not greatly better by Wednesday, we'd have to reschedule. On Wednesday, as fate would have it (and you will see how well planned it was), I got my period. Water parks? Period?...no brainer. I changed the vacation date. We went the following Friday. Tara was better, and I was..well, finished. It was August. I had been telling Ron all summer that I thought my endometriosis had reoccurred and was planning to have a laparoscopy in the winter. We wound up one night in our hotel room with Tara sound asleep in the bed next to us. One thing led to another, and before we knew it, we had made love without a condom for the first time since Tara's birth (because I was convinced we couldn't conceive anyway.). Well, I went to the bathroom after we were finished and sat on the toilet when I heard that voice. The same voice that told me "it worked". This time, God said..."don't do that". So I quickly got off the toilet without letting anything escape and went back to bed. I kind of let my mind toy with the idea of "what if I am pregnant". I was fun to think about. And I kind of pleaded with God to let it be so, but if it wasn't, I was soooo incredibly happy with, and grateful for Tara. When I was 5 days late, I told my sister of the "possibility". I never said a word to Ron. Then finally when I was 10 days late, my sister said to "just get a pregnancy test already!". So I finally went that day and got one. It was positive before one minute had passed. Amazing how God set the stage to be sure I got pregnant. Ron didn't get home until 9:00 pm that night. I was ready to tell him. He had NO idea that I had thought there was a chance. I asked him how his day went as he came in the door. He said fine. I was sitting on the opposite side of the counter. I said "I got something for you" and pushed an old shoe box across the counter to him. He opened it and looked at a piece of camouflage material. Nothing registering, he pulled it out. The same infant onesie. Totally confused, he looked at me as I beamed. Then it registered. He said.."are you pregnant?????". I told him to dig deeper. He lifted some tissue paper and pulled out the positive pregnancy test. He looked at it, and then at me and said "are you sure??". I told him the pregnancy test was positive so yes I was sure. He said "maybe we should wait to see what the Dr. says". I laughed and said you're going to be a daddy again. And then Madeline began to grow within me. Another difficult pregnancy. 5 1/2 months of severe morning sickness, torn placenta, bed rest for part of the pregnancy, and then she was born. I had scheduled a C-section for Madeline because when I delivered Tara, she broke my tailbone and I was afraid of a repeat. We were at a restaurant, Ron, Tara and I when my Labor began. I knew I wasn't supposed to eat prior to the C-Section but when you're only a few days away from your due date, hunger is something that MUST be satisfied. So I proceeded to fill my belly before heading home. My mom came over and Ron and I headed to the hospital. Madeline was born approximately 4 hours after my labor began. It was different. They whisked her away and I had to stay to be stitched up. I hated that. When I held her, I was very drugged up. But she was beautiful. I remember saying that I thought she looked like me. Tara looks exactly like her daddy and I always wondered what that felt like. We knew before Madeline was born that she was a girl (another answered prayer). So before she was born, I told Tara the story of "herself". I told her how I had such a hard time getting pregnant and I cried a lot. I told her how we went to doctors to help us become pregnant, and that one day, after many years, God decided that it was time for her to be born and He placed her in my belly. I said that when she was born, my life was perfect. It was Mommy, daddy, and Tara. It was just how it was supposed to be and I was so happy. But then one day, God looked down at our family and said..."That Tara...she's a really special child, and I'm going to give her a really special gift. I'm going to give her a sister". And He put Madeline in my tummy. From the very first day that Madeline was born, Tara knew that she was "her" gift to her from God. And she was so proud, and so in love with her sister, and has been ever since.
Although my marriage is a constant work in progress, I am truly blessed.
When I was in the midst of my fertility struggle, I used to think to myself "why is this happening to me?". Well now I understand why. I needed to hit rock bottom before I was willing to reach out to God and more importantly let him come to me. Thank you God for my babies. Thank you God for your son.
